Id be interested to find out your age. We seem to have fallen into a marriage without sex. Hormonal changes, which can start as early as your 20s, can also be root causes of low sex drive. If shes got a spouse who is extremely suspicious, shes not going to feel trusted or respected. At 73, my 69 year old wife fits the descriptions you have provided to a T. Just replace you, the wife, with me, the husband. Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? Since I dont know your wife and I dont know anything about your conversational style or hers, I cant give you the magic words for getting the conversation started. Just shows how woman dont know anything about other women. However, some comments are not welcome here as violations of our Comment Policy. If your wife seems distant, take a step back to analyze where you may have gone wrong or why you feel like she cannot trust you again. I tried to think that it was OK, I still had company and friendship. Hope your marriage will last till you die you depart. All this can cause a person to go into anger and hibernate. If I spend time or money on them, I get ridiculed. My wife of 35 years and I have always had difficulty sexually. love him & my family and weve been married for 34 years & 5 years before that. She can also talk to her doctor to see what options are available to support her libido. We had enjoyed a lovely sex life, with the usual speed bumps (kids, work,etc) but we never stopped. I am happy all the time, my hair is twice as thick as it was before, I had urge incontinence, which completely disappeared, it cut my knee joint pain in half, and best of all, I love sex again. We feel just as frustrated that our actions are not recognized by our women. Yes, he may have more energy then she does because he did nothing all day but insulted her and her lack of sex. Many marriages are suffering in this area, and even the strongest and most supportive husbands feel isolated from their wives. But it also means were in a status quo that just isnt satisfying. It literally changed our lives. We could be spontaneous. Weve all heard the answer to no Sex is stop having Sex? You risk losing it all for the same quick minute that you already have with your wife. After my heart surgery 2 years ago for the same valve, we found the same surgeon who repaired it robotically and I was able to care for her pneumonia 2 weeks later and a year later heart failure, improved by a TAVR Aortic valve replacement last spring. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. An endocrinologist told me he had never seen that before. Learning how to communicate and experience life myself . Unfortunately a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and under went surgery that shut me don sexually (I couldnt even masturbate any more) This has killed all hope we had to try and have a sexually normal marriage. Because I am not attractive to her. There is a limit to everything and this crosses that line. Instead of asking yourself something along the lines of, What to do when wife wont put out? ask your partner if theyd like to experience something different in bed. I do, however, feel like absolute shit about the negative impact on my husband who is six years younger than me and who has always had a high (higher than mine, anyway) sex drive. As a kid I grew up without Christmas or birthdays. I have tried to keep myself in shape, etc., and he is certainly in fairly good shape too. He's a great dad, and a considerate husband. Oh stfu. I wish you well and hope you find some consolation I was going to say you lucky lucky bastard., Maybe let her pick the sex partner and she may want to be a side participant in it, could always ask : ), Its been13 years no sex for me.lbeen married42 years..her phone and internet are more important than me. I thank you for stating in so frank a manner every frustration that has engulfed me for over 40 years. My nephews, 1x/month on average, so I dont over do with outside the marriage things at all nor overspend, AT ALL. Shes the mother of our kids! Affection (hold hands, rub shoulders, tap butt, arm around shoulder, hugs, kisses, winks, that special look, etc), compliments, please, thank you, inside jokes, cheerleader, cleaning, cooking, repairs, child rearing, activities together, exercise together, etc will go a long way to leading to sex again. Maybe have her read what you have posted here so she can see your pain all laid out with no interruptions like conversations can have when 2 people are both upset and talk at the same time. I love him and still desire him (even though he lost his hair and gained a gut!!) But after our second kid it just dried up to not much. Think of the biblical verse Ecclesiastes 3. If your wife is struggling with mental health concerns, anxiety, or depression that are not being handled professionally, gently encourage her to talk with someone about how shes feeling. "There is also much more pressure on any sex youdohave since it's happening less frequently; it feels like there is much more at stake each time the two of you are intimate. The problem with respecting a partner who doesnt want sex any longer, is that the other person who does want sex needs to be respected too. Thank goodness we get along well in every other area, however Im at a loss. I always aimEd to please her with oral sex preceded by lots of massaging, rubbing, kissing etc. I finally became frustrated with being turned down and just waited for her to initiate sex. It has been years since my wife and I have had sex. After everything a woman does in one day compare to what most lazy men would say. One of the scariest reasons your wife wont have sex with you may be that she has feelings or is being intimate with someone else. To send your questions directly to Joan, email sexpert@seniorplanet.org. In a long-term relationship, the partner with the higher libidowhich is not always . Then tell them what your plans are or not, but do not put your sexual and intimacy needs on hold the rest of your life because it is the sign you love someone. "Some of the pressure comes from the idea that you 'should' be having sex. Ive lived through a sexless marriage myself. All that said, unless your wife has a known health condition that she's currently managingor she's had a very sudden and significant change in her sex drivedon't assume that her lack of interest in having sex with you means something is medically wrong with her. If he wont go, go on your own to express your feelings fully and evaluate whether you want to be in this marriage and, if so, what can be done to improve it. And perhaps. Really its happening with many couples as the year goes and children born the interest goes down. Outwardly to friends he seems a good husband, and he is BUT he will not have sex as he dies not fancy me anymore! I have the sex drive I had when I was 20, and I feel like me again. It literally saved my marriage and maybe my life. Sucks to be me, right! I like the martyr thing, but its no B.S. Let him know, with passion and love, that you miss *that* him . I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! Focusing on her pleasure will make her banish any thought that my wife never wants to have sex.. Males are not embarrassed about describing a frigid or non sexual wife, but they will never mention their own lack of desire and often get angry if their partner inquires as to why? Start your own discussion on this topic on Senior Planet Community. Share This: Have a question about relationships and sex for seniors? You deserve to be happy in your life as well. my dad is 85 years old and my mom is 5 years his senior at 90 years old. I am sorry but I think thats just nuts. To some it may even taste nasty. We used lubricant but it still wasnt very effective the last time. At least your wife gives you a hand job AND wants you to Cum on her tits! Some women do not compartmentalize their emotions the way some men do, and thus may be more easily preoccupied during sex. My husband has no sex drive at all. 2. Im 15 years younger than my husband. When I have a follow up, with a surgeon next month, even though it is not cancer, I will discuss wether or not I should give up the vaginal hormone. Have you ever considered WHY your wife doesnt want to have sex anymore? Youre right that its a huge, painful problem. I am planning a divorce, as I wont live out the remaining 20-30 years of my life without love and affection. Dont worry about having sex for a long time. I love him and am a bad lier, so using masturbation as a release. 19. What to do about it: Learning to love your own body is a personal journey, so this isn't really something you can fix for her just by giving her compliments (though that can certainly help!). Must he provide her preferred amount of resources (which is much higher than he himself needs) while also accepting her preferred amount of sex (which is much lower than he himself needs) under the guise of equality? Ya over 40 years with out not a problem. Risk cheating get a divorce or anything ??? When a woman has to live with her in-laws, its a major change from the way she had been living before. I feel so much pain amd resentment!!! If thats the reason why your wife avoids intimacy, you have to drive home the importance of intimacy between a couple for a happy, healthy marriage. Then I find out shes got four different boyfriends. I dont know if thats whats happening for her, and of course the only way to know is to ask her. My Wife is Not Affectionate Anymore | The Modern Man So.. Susan!!! On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. My avocation has been fitness for over 50 years and I love the field. In most cases, Ive seen that when one partner is depressed, after a period of time, the other starts to feel depressed as well. Nothing is out of bounds! Read the first sentence again. Im just sad and trying to figure things out. Youve both gone so long without sex together and without understanding each other that it isnt an easy fix. High blood pressure I hear ya. Especially if you once had a healthy and active sex life. I wonder if it could be depression (something he wouldnt admit to), but its been going on a long time. I wouldnt even care if he watched or joined. 2. We lost our virginity to each other well before our marriage so often, in fact, that on our wedding night we decided we were too tired from the events of the week and just went to bed to sleep. My son is in an open marriage (I know this because he and his wife talk about it openly) and it opened my eyes to the reality that it is unrealistic to expect one person to be able to satisfy all of your sexual needs. Not you at all by the sounds of it. It might be time for you to be more responsible and let your wife have some me-time. Pamper her with a spa day or take her out on a nice vacation for two, to break the monotony and give her the relaxation she truly needs and deserves. "Not everyone needs emotional connection for sex to be great, but in long-term relationships, the lack of connection can be a huge factor in a person's desire to have sex with their partner," psychologist Margaret Paul, Ph.D., writes at mbg. Yeah, wrinkles and less hair (me), but sex is as good as ever! She even said to me that I should leave if I am not happy, she prefers that I do not, but basically what she is saying is that if I want to stay, this is the way its going to be. There are ways to maintain physical intimacy while someone undergoes treatment for ED. Oh my goodness you sound so defeated. I say bullshit to every man and women experiencing no sex in a relationship if they want it with their partner. Research shows that sexual communication was. Are you crazy? Who risks? Its important to understand the difference between spontaneous desire and responsive desire. We are just roommates. Slept in basement for a few years until I built my own space that had an apartment and work shop. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. Perhaps, some counseling might even help. I would walk a mile in this mans shoes before I offer advice. A lot of my friends say their husbands are like that, too. She sleeps in the other room. There is no excuse for boxing your partner in such a guilt ridden morally compromising prison. We men are so caught up in our egos . I think my wife [67] realises that with my having ED she no longer has any potential competition so isnt obliged to have sex because I wont be strayingand I dont want her to feel obliged,thats as bad as no sex,so the answer, literally, is in my own hands, my husband has done too many drugs and cant get it up its been six years i need sex. Have some fun with someone now and then would help .. any reply on if cheating what to look at to find someone Where???? Discuss it with her: Share this iMOM article with your wife and discuss it: 4 Things You Can Do When Youre Not in the Mood. We dont understand anything about foreplay or romance. Yes Is so agree..No turning back!But Its now time replace her where she doesnt want to be part of.After 40 years 4kids 16 grands 5great Though I miss her warmth her ther body so much!Even after cancer twice majors surgerys reconstructions she still my one n only !N last one tooTime for me replace her affairs only way fishing..hunting ..camping ..some still with her!Rest myself alone ..others with son n grandsons while I still can getting around n driving! She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. Id like to hear how you feel. Think back to the time when you were dating. Ive been teaching this to other young men for some time. I met a man at work a while back, he was attracted to me, he was in a sexless marriage (so he said). I am 79 and my wife is 75 and our sex life is as good as ever. Being refused is an essential part of the life of a person who is proactive in getting his or her wants met. (For the record, I would cook, but Im terrible at it). WFT. Hey People, when a woman no longer wants sex with a man, it means she is likely not attracted to him anymore. Should a husband and wife have equal weight in decision making when the husband shoulders ultimate risk for the consequences? I dont look my age at all! })(); Hello Will, We are still asexually active and every time we see couples enjoying sex, it puts extreme sadness in our souls because we are faithful to our partner. I know we are very different people and and I am not trying to change her as much as letting her know the effects of being so distant and often dismissing my feelings yet I have to be totally responsive to her to keep her happy. You may have become so engrossed in your work or friends that you just dont spend quality time with your wife. But in practice, no one is equal. I have kept fit and kept busy. Im in my 70s now and dont care any more, hes retired and works in his shop on cars mostly. I cant hurt her, no way! Sound off: What are some other practical things you can do as a husband to increase intimacy? I'll go out on a limb and suggest that your wife isn't sexually aroused by being treated well. My functioning would be fine when engaging in sex with a woman for the first time, paid sex, and one night stands. I understand completely!!!! That has been HER normal. What should the husband do. Is there any way I can help alleviate some of the stress she is feeling? You say you dont know if youre doing foreplay right. Ive always wanted sex more than she has, though the first years were pretty satisfying for both of us. And LATINA. I cant stop thinking about it. !, so we better act tough, ya know! I appreciate that No outside agency or individual can fix anything yet they get their fix of adulation with tired Info. Color me confused. Wake up. Yeah. Ive no where to go. I completely recovered and had to start my own business to share in the household expenses. This can lead to her becoming physically and emotionally distant in the marriage. In my is own skin. She will sit in bed on her phone though. I am starting to go to prostitutes is this wrong? I still love my husband because our relationship doesnt revolve around sex and we can show each other love and affection in many other ways. Well a few years ago sex began to get less and less. I just accept that I could not control it and that it is Gods will for me. Maybe your wife isn't initiating sex, or she seems to be actively avoiding it. What men want is for her to have some of that drive back. She claims to always be tired anyway. Ive read about vaginal atrophy and would guess she has it. It is sad when u see other men drooling over me but the one I want. He masterbates quite often and I have come home to find him watching porn on the couch and masterbating. Shes my childhood sweetheart, has a lovely personality, a wonderful mother and a very sexy body and persona to boot.. We are peas in a pod. Finally someone is pointing out this is not a divided hate forum. In the real world things are very different. So, I know my only option is accept this is my life from here on. I am 62 years old and a healthy man with sexual needs. We men are not brain dead. We had a fantastic time learning each other and how to do it together! Honor us with attention and physical contact. I dont have a problem with a sexless marriage, in fact I created it in our marriage. LoL. with increased relationship satisfaction and heightened orgasm frequency in women. Most importantly, talk to her about it! If men put in as much energy they put in sneaking around spending money on hookers and put all of his energy on his wife by taking 50% of the household chores and helping his wife out with the kids and having him spice up their sex lives you will see more action in the bedroom then before as long as you are sweet and loving towards her you will always get lucky. s.setAttribute('data-timestamp', +new Date()); My husband spent hundreds of hours on his phone coming up with scenarios to cope with a diagnosis of peyronies that has impacted our ability to have sex, but has never once gone to you tube to figure out how to give me an orgasm! Give her some time to destress by setting up a candlelit bath with her favorite essential oils and bath soak. I think Im in love and theres no turning back. He is either not attracted to you, depressed, or preoccupied. At your age, dont run until you exhaust all your options. In good times, sex it a wonderful way to give and receive love. 7 years no sex!!! We have no children. She continued to have sex for a while but that eventually ended and we havent had sex now in over 5 years. The two C words! 16 years being married. Yet we are burdened with the biologically and Darwinian drive to procreate. But after putting off marriage until I was 40 it too became sexless right after the wedding. Having children may be one reason intimacy has decreased in your marriage, but it is not the only reason. I am so tired of these therapists and all there lets support the one who doesnt want sex but dismiss the one who is still in love and desires romance more than anything with KEEP MASTURBATING To answer your question from my 69-year old, male POV: I still plan/need to continue working in a high tech job many hours a week, with excellent insurance, which is fortunate, and there is no way she can drive or work for several decades now. Many of us could not conceive of divorcing because we have spent a lifetime waiting around to be shown once again that we are desired by the one person we have shared our lives with and still very much love. Also, I have experienced ageism in the job market. Dear, dear men, I hope that she too will woo me, always, as well. I have the same problem, my wife and I are 73 years old, 7years ago she told me she no longer had an interest in sex, so,it has been 7 dry years, she told me I was free to,find someone to have sexy with!! The sexual spark will return when she emerges out of it, stronger and healthier. Just because one grows older doesnt mean that sex is over. Richard C Ever again. Have you asked whether she experienced vaginal pain during sex? It was even suggested I try penile injections at bedtime so I can at least get hard for her pleasure. That leaves us with so many perverts running around today inept at forming a real relationship, fantasy is in sadly. stop insultiing cats. With so many of us in similar situations, it would be nice if we could just reshuffle the deck, at least in this one area. No doubt youre frustrated. Additionally, she should see an endocrinologist who can check her thyroid. After the Revenge cheat she had the nerve to Does your wife struggle with self-love? My husband and I are working on these issues now, and it takes some serious ,painful discussion. Shes happen because we dont have sex or have any form of intimacy. She doesnt like the image she sees in the mirror and that quells any sexual desire within. As for porn, I dont mind it at all when he watches it (though he thinks I never see him), after all, we are all human and have drives and needs. I caught her in a flirtation as she calls it, with her boss. As a matter of fact, if shes not enjoying herself, I stop. The article itself is very weak and rehashed b.s., But the comments are priceless! We are starting to fight a lot and twice I heard him on the phone throwing me under the bus to someone. I *must* woo my wife, always. When is the last time you did something romantic for her without expecting sex in return? Why is it that Men are the ones left out in the cold Masturbating in the dark. It is frustrating, but I would never give up our marriage over it. Im 77 and if I felt my husband was dissatisfied with our sexless, but not loveless, marriage, Id choose to be single. Share your feelings with your wife openly, honestly, and vulnerably without expecting it to lead to something physical. She wasnt as attractive or as fine a dresser, and my adolescent mind didnt see her as the choice for my good looks. NO! Sometimes when a woman becomes a mother, it can affect the way she sees herselfand the way her partner sees her. Do we cheat and risk hurting our wives and husbands? I read these comments and feel for all of you, especially the men who I share with of which I have similar experiences. Is it so horrible if I want to snuggle with her? I do raise the issue with her from time to time. Here is the rub though. Thanks for listening. Once you restore an emotional connection, your physical one is sure to follow. Could I just ask the question? The night my son died was when my loss of interest began, in fact it vanished, period. At this stage, you may be right about getting help. What to do about it: Similar to any other health issue, it's important to be compassionate and supportive of a partner struggling with mental health. I have spoken to my wife several times. If I wish to continue my marriage , I guess I should just accept the situation and carry the cross of feeling unsatisfied. That partner depriving you of that intimacy does not give a damn what you do just as long as you do not bother them about it or it interferes with their favorite TV show! I have asked her why she makes dinner for us even though she hates doing it, and she says its because she loves me. And Marley, I deeply sorry for your situation. Sure. Want to have a happier, healthier marriage? So I disagree when people say leave the marriage as soon as the sex stops. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? That last sentence got my attention. Post-menopausal sex, for many women, is a meal offering little flavour or nutrition. If theyve been fighting the whole day, physical intimacy is the last thing on their mind. No way! You can usually put these triggering events into two main categories. Another way to improve lack of sexual desire is to change things up in the bedroom. She has just lost interest. Im guessing because you are complaining that your 59 year old husband is fat, lazy, snores and is demanding is the reason you dont have sex anymore? When someone Denys you something so fundamentally important, it is Not Cheating to She cut me off completely about 10 years ago and refuses to even talk about sex when I try to bring it up. I was faithful to my beautiful redhead for 27 yrs, and I never got tired of making love to her. In particular, most women cannot reach orgasm from penis-in-vagina intercourse alone. Get a better paying job so she doesnt have to work her butt off. I used to ride, but geez that gets old and is still a problem because of the size and lack of hardness. I didnt sign up for this garbage! But. It hard to bud out. About 10 % Love 90% Hate. When emotional intimacy dies a slow death in your relationship, its possible that it could signal an affair. We were easy pickings since that biological clock was ticking louder and she still hadnt landed Chad. Men my advice is dont get married or move in with women if you love sex. He doesnt even like to kiss. Its been a slow process in development, heading to the place we have arrived in our relationship. I hate her for cheating me out of sex. Gynecological conditions such as endometriosis, PCOS, PCOD, uterine fibroids and pelvic pain can make it difficult for women to enjoy sex. Seeing a therapist or speaking with her doctor about her mental health is a step in the right direction to help you recognize the woman you fell in love with. Not many people enter their senior years wit an active sex life, some do, but not many. Medication also he ls good to me but his hobby ls everything to him he jokes around with me we are like room You have made a commitment to one another to do more than go through the daily grind or process of pretending to have a mutual satisfying relationship when in fact, you are simply roommates! // Replace PAGE_IDENTIFIER with your page's unique identifier variable Now its too late. My father and grandfather were active sexually(we discussed) into their late 70s. , motherhood, or work anxiety can cause your wife to feel too overwhelmed for intimacy. Food shape. I absolutely adore my wife/partner I love her dearly and would do anything for her. Sorry long diatribe. This put stress on things as did a lack of acceptance from my mother, to my Wife, until she died at 97. Jack- SHe aint lost brother. He thinks that his low testosterone is the cause of his actions or lack of. Holy Cow, I have about had it. I cant believe a respected Sex Therapist has Keep Masturbating as an answer. Adding, However, just because your wife avoids physical contact doesnt necessarily mean theres bound to be infidelity involved. Its just torturing me for no reason. There are physical and emotion consequences to withholding sex from a partner.