Yes, this. Ive encouraged him to take trips on his own without me, especially when Im on travel. I wonder if the husband is insecure that the wife is the primary breadwinner and might be subconsciously trying to sab0toge her career. Its also an irrational state of fear and I think people forget what that means. Because someone whos having this kind of anxiety is going to get worse, not better if they do nothing to address the underlying issue. For the OP, thats the problem here. If its phrased as Wife wants to go to Vegas without me for 3 days but go with a bunch of random guys Ive never met before!. How Vacations Can Help or Harm Your Relationship This doesnt excuse the behavior either way, but I think could be something to specifically discuss with him in addition to the other suggestions people have here. I dont much care for Vegas. She keeps asking us (no matter how many times we decline) if we need her to buy us Amazon Fresh groceries. Im sure your husband isnt a huge jerk or anything, but this is not healthy and he should not be pressuring you to do something that would risk your job. We were in that stage of "dating" where we wanted to do everything together, only he didn't fly and didn't really enjoy travel. Has he ever left the house? During the first trip I spent most of my time during the day sight-seeing by myself (or with tour groups) while my wife attended her conference and later meeting her and friends for dinner and evening events. Ill wait. Him: Yeah, she does this every couple of months, and it never lasts. Could also be a mix of the two, or something nobody has thought of yet. Vegas is an extremely popular destination for conferences and business trips. Yes, marriage counselling. For me, the issues here are 1) input from friends is useful to inform ones own feelings, not make demands of ones partner by committee, and 2) ultimately, the person most affected by the demands is in the best position to make the right judgment call. And Id add that theres a difference between (unwarranted) demands rooted in irrational fears, and those rooted in control/trust issues. either. At some level, I doubt he even realizes at this point whats going on. Marriage CounselingDefinitely. My spouse travels for work all the time. If the question was my husband is forbidding it because of emergency X then we still have the same issue. I understand everyones points of view completely, just a couple questions and I apologize if theyve already been asked and answered 1) but is it possible that he go too 2) my spouse travels monthly, I hate it. Stay at Luxor for dirt cheap, or Mandalay Bay for the pool. Me too!.which is probably why Im not married ;). My then-husband and I spent three days in Vegas with two other couples, and the most sinful thing we did was see a strip show that our group leader had accidentally bought us all tickets to. One of my biggest gripes about Vegas is that most of the hotels wont allow food delivery carriers to deliver to your room. Not a single word uttered). It seems a loving husband would have found a way for his wife to attend her best friends wedding. A Crappy Vacation Told Me My Marriage Was Really Over. Sure there used to be a lot of strip joints, etc., but now the most naked people are in the Cirque shows, and they just look naked. As Captain Awkward would put it: you have a husband problem, not a job problem. You need your job and you need a good career trajectory, even assuming you and your husband stay together and nothing different happens in the future. Iam lost. And yeah, they probably need some counseling, and people often start off with Marriage counseling before moving on to individual counseling *on advice of their counselor*! Some things are objectively controlling behaviours though. Vegas and Orlando are excellent places for corporate retreats because theyre relatively cheap to fly to and theyre set up for this kind of thing. Anywhere in the USA or abroad. And, in those cases both parties may need to adjust their behavior and / or way that they communicate. While I was away, he made me upset the whole time with his anxiety of what-ifs and what-nots. vacation without ever spending a single quarter in a slot machine! A week? But theres no need to snark at me for making/agreeing with a suggestion. Pressuring/guilting him into not going? This is none of his business and catering to his insecurities is not your responsibility. So, later this year I am going on a two-week hiking trip with a couple of friends one of whom is a man, even! seriously. She is not the nicest mother in law, either. My wife is suffering from both major depression and anxiety, and she has her individual sessions to work on her mental health issue and were in marriage counseling to work on ourselves as a couple. He was jealous and controlling before we got engaged. hahahah! Don't exhaust yourselves. Obviously were just two strangers on the internet, so you can take that data point for whatever its worth. OK! Companies hold meetings in Vegas because its a popular corporate destination, not because theyre plotting to destroy employees marriages.). Hes not thinking logically already, so adding logic isnt going to change his mind. LOL! I called home from a pay phone on the street around 10pm UK time and she freaked out because I was outside, at night, with nobody around who knew me! I came here to recommend asking Captain Awkward as well! In fact, were taking separate vacations this year not to Vegas, but we each wanted something completely different, so were going at different times to different parts of the world. We went off the beaten track and it was just like any other city. It doesnt sound as though shes given him any reason to be so insecure. Vegas isnt the problem here. If you ever felt something was wrong you can tell a bartender, a waiter, a cop, that you need some help. (like when one of his good friends turned 50). But truly, its a secondary concern here. The whole letting her go thing could be controlling or abusive, but it could also refer less to physical ability to go there and more not letting her go in peace, or without a bunch of needy whining adult tantrums. You dont get PERMISSION, you agree that something is good, or you dont, but this bs about him letting you go on a work trip is just gross. ^ +1000, this was the most mind-boggling to me as well. You definitely need counseling, and he may need his own as well. My cousins wife asks permission for everything and it makes me side-eye that entire side of my family. My spouse (temporarily) lives in a different state than me and if I call them and they dont answer my mind immediately assumes that theyve been in a car accident. I worry about things constantly. Im going on a business trip to Vegas in a few weeks and Im grateful the conference is there rather then other difficult travel to destinations. People at our church would say I cant believe your husband lets you do that. My husband would laugh and laugh. We strive to provide you with a high quality community experience. Is something going on in your relationship that he feels like youre growing more emotionally apart, and physical distance will make him feel more alone? You cant change his feelings and reactions, you can only control your own. thats the strangest technique Ive ever heard of to try and get back together with someone. Hahahaha! Im almost always jealous of the cool stuff he sees in his job, but I cant imagine being angry or upset about the trips. If possible, Id suggest both individual and joint counseling. Ive done that before too, and it was invaluable in setting healthy boundaries in a sane, functional manner. He can express an opinion at most. And (2) hes not paranoid, controlling or insecure. Ill be honest, my first thought was not anxiety, but control and maybe future abuse. I was thinking as I read the description, this sounds like its coming from someone who has never been on a business trip before (and re: the kidnapping, someone whos watched too many movies). Hope youre all right, OP. ); (2) You and Marcus could try to pay your own way; or (3) You could commence the sticky process of negotiating a patchwork-payment . Even the others theyre married to. Its really hard to say without getting into his mind. Whether or not you go on the trip is secondary. I had half a day free so I went horseback riding in the desert (which was spectacular and I recommend to anyone). Dont choke or burn yourself! In that case, marriage counseling is great. So thank you for the comments. I didnt hear that there were kids. Ive often done a straw poll of my married friends to get a sense of whether something that was bugging me was a real issue or just a personal hang-up. Im from the midwest haha. Of course, it also relates to what the right wing media say, and its super-hard to tackle. In most normal partnerships where you have shared responsibilities its not so much asking permission, as its checking in to make sure spouse doesnt need you For anything at that time. Umm, so Im not sure how to say this in away that wont come off snarky, so let me apologize in advance for not be able to think of a good way to word this: This was not a questions for AAM. Both of us have traveled the world for pleasure and business in the 15 years. I admit I am one of the omg WHAT commenters. Do the counseling (alone or with him.) Is it possible that the way OPs husband expressed this question to his friends was leading? When I talk to my friends nowadays (still in Ohio, btw! Also, thanks to Zappos, downtown is being rejuvenated as an artsy community of sorts, with galleries, boutiques and yes hipstery eateries. Hed go get a hotel room, and give me a call; he wouldnt be instantly homeless and alone, and I couldnt magically fix a burned house anyway. My husband used to be pretty bad about my work trips, too. Same. ), and Im excited to stay at Mandalay Bay because they have an aquarium. He even did it the one time I was staying *in a convent*. Im so glad I made that choice. In no way am I saying if he does have anxiety its totally okay for him to be a controlling ass not at all. There are people just, everywhere, even at 2 am. <3. Its an incredibly effective manipulation technique. I would idd consider flying. You cannot have a rational discussion with someone who is in an irrational state. Perhaps this is exhibiting itself in more ways than just this instance, and if so, its especially something youll want to address head on and as a team. By in linseneintopf mit kartoffeln. Are you ok with dealing with his overexagerations, accusations, and paranoia whenever you go for a trip by yourself or is it starting to get on your nerves. And you will regret it even more if your marriage ends and you put yourself in a worse position just to appease irrational fears. (Overeating or eating rich foods, drinking, drugs, gambling, or sex?) (Note: relationship = 3-4 months of long-distance dating, which I quickly realized was a Bad Idea.) If I died while on travel, hed get an insurance payout and be able to live without working for X months; then he could remarry or move or whatnot. I really dont like the taste of alcohol. Thats fine! Im just going to drop in some ideas and some strategies that have worked for me. Husband Doesn't Want to Come with the Family on Vacation I hope they can find a solution. I hope you go to Vegas and find love with someone who doesnt treat you like property. (Gendering the partners here solely for the purpose of clarity and conciseness. One of mine once told me that his mom felt that I was being very unfair to him and was devastated that she wouldnt get to plan our wedding. Sometimes your partner will say they support you in fleeing the nest, and they may want to support you with all their might, but are battling with feelings of their own. Hes watched too many college Spring Break movies, right? So best case scenario, youre stifling your opportunity for growth. Usually these things build up over time and abusive relationships (even if not intentionally abusive even if the partner really does have anxiety or whatever and is not TRYING to be controlling!) Honestly, corporate meetings in Vegas are not the sexfests people think they are. My husband was very upset. Your house is on fire, it doesnt matter if you wash the car or not. He wasnt healthy for me. No matter how cool your parents are, money always comes with obligations. I probably filled up that Jacuzzi tub in the bathroom with $100 worth of water during my stay. I remember being like, What would I even DO with all this space? ha! First, thank you so much for sharing your insight. Last time I was in Vegas (similar situation) I ate at a few off-strip but highly-rated restaurants. This is just.rage-inducingly bonkers. We split it into 3 traveling days both directions so it would be 6 hours and we are estimating 8 hour days, but know it could be longer. But I suspect if I went for leisure, Id be bored out of my ever-loving mind. Weve been a few times on holiday and love it the shopping, the food we dont even bother with the gambling. Sometimes, well go together on business trips (one of us taking it as vacation) this isnt something you can do every time, but it also seems to help him tremendously, especially on his own business travel. Its in Las Vegass best interests to keep visitors safe. He wouldnt try and prevent me from going on one of those trips because it is work, but he used to fret quite a bit and if I didnt text when he expected (or didnt have phone service) he would panic (as in call highway patrol level panic). If you miss out on a promotion or are the first let go in the layoffs because you refused to go to this conference, you will look back on this with regret. I LOVE it when my wife travels. Things to consider!! OP this is the kind of thing Id bring up in therapy what you will do and what you will NOT do. When she would call back, he would accuse her of having left the office to sleep with someone else. By letting him come chaperone her once I worry that now hell believe this is reasonable and that he should chaperone all future work travel then all interactions with work colleagues, with single men, etc. He easily sleeps 4 hours. Some women even LIVE in Las Vegas! Conversely I dont think Ive ever paid less than $200/night for a business-class hotel in NYC, Austin, LA, etc. Married people travel for work all the time, even to cities with a greater-than-their-fair-share amount of vices around, and they typically behave responsibly and stay faithful. I know that many conferences are held there, and wouldnt bat an eye at my fiancee going there without me. That was plenty for me, for the social experience.). Or is he bad whenever you are off doing anything on your own? My Husband Wants My Mother- In- Law on The Trip!!! Its just not reasonable to expect a spouse to not travel for business, and I cant imagine a whole group of people who would say such a thing. 6. And to the people who says its HIS problem, not HERS Im of a view that when you say I Do, His and Hers becomes OUR, it becomes US. Other than that, we gambled, we ate a lot, we walked a lot, saw a lot of family-oriented and kid-oriented activities swam in the hotels outdoor pool. Nevertheless, couples therapy is ALSO necessary, because this is something that affects them as a couple and that they need to manage as a couple, even though the main onus is on him for managing his fears or whatever other issues he has. Especially when those demands result in diminished opportunities. Vegas! Dont engage with his arguments. The same concerns would translate for a man. I agree. Did you say, thanks for confirming that I need to get away from you immediately & forever? Heres to many years of not feeling needless guilt. I know you know this, Anonymous Poster, but I want to add something to this statement. He thinks it's going to be too difficult. Most business conferences result in 3 days on location you probably wont leave the hotel. It ended up taking us 16 hours, but I didn't think it was bad at all. Have never felt nervous yet. I agree, the posting guidelines specifically ask that we not attempt to diagnose mental issues, it tends to devolve into discussions about theories of mental health and people sharing their mental health stories vs: helping the letter writers. But the effect of his behavior on her is a them issue. A decade? It probably wont improve the relationship to say this directly to him, but it is definitely something to keep in mind. My (mentally ill) mom does this thing where if theres something she doesnt want me to do, she makes up stories about how dangerous/stupid/inconsiderate/selfish/wrong of me to do it. Figure you stop as often as baby feeds (which is every 3 hours for us.) Its not particularly reasonable to expect a teenager to make scheduled check-in calls, much less an adult! Furthermore you can get into trouble anywhere, not just Vegas. But a counselor can assess it and go from there. Fiance also didnt want me to go to an industry event because admission was closed to non-members; he couldnt just drop by to say hello, and how would he know if I was okay? Copyright 2007 - 2023 Ask A Manager. The reality of the place is really NBD. Your husband is being unreasonable. He might be in some kind of internet echo chamber, like one of the misogynist subreddits, and all the guys in there told him Shes totes just going there to have sex with random dudes! because thats the way those corners of the internet are. Hey, if they didnt want me to take 2 Jacuzzi baths a day they shouldnt have put a TV in there! I see where youre coming from, Detective, but I think the additions of spiked drinks and kidnappings shift it for me a little bit toward anxiety. BTW- my husband didnt blink an eye when I told him I was going to Vegas for a whole week with a male co-worker. The way I see it, OP, assuming youre not a serial cheater who constantly engages in risky behaviors when your spouse is not standing over you, your husband is either really insecure about your marriage, or really anxious in general. OP, we can all surmise the reasons for his behavior as much as we want to, but this sounds like something you and your husband should work out together in counseling (or separately in counseling, if that appeals more to him.) Youre an adult, OP! I'm in the car right now with a 6-week-old on what is usually a 11-hour drive, which we broke up into two days with a night at a hotel midway. Yeah, there are definitely shady parts of Vegas, in the same way are in almost every city. Sure, its too much if youre super conservative, but then the root of the debate is not Las Vegas itself. How would it feel if you lost your job or got demoted because you stopped travelling due to his shenanigans? If someone says they dont want to get married, theres probably a good reason in there. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation I would think about whether this fits in a pattern of other bad behavior. within arms range. I think Alison handled it extremely well answering the direct AAM-style question (go on the trip for business reasons) while noting the disturbing indicators about marriage that require that kind of outside advice. He doesnt have friends. Id also check out books such as When Panic Attacks and How to Stop Worrying and Start Living Life. The big difference is that OPs husband cant keep an eye on her when shes in Vegas. OPs husband sounds like my mom. Lastly, there are some religious communities where it would be fairly normal for the husband not to let the wife travel, and for worries about infidelity to be one of the main reasons why. Rooms were kinda cheap, and Im sure the convention center was cheap. Unless youre asking permission to uproot your familys life or something it just seems infantilizing. Having a neutral third party is really useful. Casinos are some of the most secure and highly monitored public places you can go. Now that we have been together longer, he has settled down and has learned to trust me. Bookings are open for June, July, and August family vacations in 2023, with per person prices starting at $3,699. So thats what Ive been doing wrong all these years! Its not clear how much of this is general anxiety versus a specific concern about Las Vegas, but for the latter, some combination of yeah, Vegas might have been like that fifty years ago, but this is 2017 and its tame now and you cant believe everything you see on TV, theyre just going for the ratings might help. He might have a collection of like-minded friends who really would agree with him. As a woman and someone invested in ending the b- s- that is sexism (some may call me a feminist!) A three day annual business trip to any location is not an unreasonable expectation. It sounds like he may possibly have an anxiety disorder of some type. I dont know, I think you are underestimating how the Internet has magnified the echo chamber effect. Kids are the most common reason for this sort of thing, but other caretaking responsibilities can also lead to spouses being very accountable to each other for their whereabouts. Or that he heard more agreement than was really being given by his friends? Next, things you can do. etc.. For work, though, it is perfect. Sounds like this husband needs to identify exactly what he is afraid ofI highly doubt that both his wife cheating and her getting kidnapped are equal fears because they stem from different insecurities, but hey, maybe hes insecure about everything. I had no other work pending and a ton of free time, so what did I do? I currently live in a part of London that Ive heard described as a no-go area for those reasons. And the largest baggage-caroussel room Id ever seen and then I saw the OTHER baggage-caroussel room, that was unused at the time. My mom too! But in that case Anxious Controlling Husband would worry the OP would leave him for a donkey, Nothing like a donkey show joke to class up a comment thread. Just that it might be (MIGHT) an explanation. Hyperbole and feigned hysteria are not the same thing. She has thus far missed out on several family gatherings and her best friends wedding, because her husband could not get off time to go. Sounds great. I think the reputation itself also makes people think its okay to act more crazy than they might. But please ask yourself if this is an isolated incident, or if there have been other times when your husband has expressed this kind of feeling when you go out with friends for dinner, is it less likely that youll be kidnapped somehow? Either way, hes being unreasonable and interfering with your career, andcounseling to figure out whats at the root of that is stilla good step here. My husband usually goes on an annual drinking trip with his buddies (they all go to a particular beer festival in a nearby city). Whereas in reality, I just hope that this will be the time when Im on the subway at 1am and it wont be too crowded to get a seat. Be direct, and even brutally honest: Im not having this conversation (& hang up); Im not doing this again (& walk away); Im not changing my mind; Im not negotiating Im giving you the facts Basically, lots of Im not/I cant/I wont statements that are all about you and your limits. I think that there can be a tendency in intimate relationships to prioritize keeping the peace, and emphasizing why thats a bad idea here and confirming that giving into the husbands demands and not going on the trip should be off the table is valuable coming from someone who gives advice about workplace stuff. I took a look at the menu for Gordon Ramsays burger place and almost stroked out. It feels as if the OPs husband is just latching onto the location as an excuse. Its adult Disneyland with spendy big-name restaurants, booze and slot machines, at this point. If I ask him he will clarify but I trust him and dont need to worry. seem much more based on portrayals in television/movies rather than reality. This isnt normal, as you say, and a good husband will support you as you travel. But the husband is the asshole how dare he worry about his wife, Absolutely get counseling. And then he needs to communicate that to his wife in a way that proves he understands its not his place to restrict her behaviour based on his irrational fears. Eh, sex work is legitimate work. I went for the first time over the summer. Its crazy how often this happens. I need you to stop doing that. (Im also concerned that hes collecting votes from his friends about whether to allow you to golike, wow, not only does he not trust you to make a decision, hes giving you a whole list of people who he apparently trusts more than you?) My in-laws (who I no longer speak to) freaked out when my wife and I got our current apartment because they found out it was across the street from the best Mexican restaurant in our city. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. < accurate. I can fold laundry and watch chick flicks and read novels in the tub after the kids go to bed, He says he has asked other people about the situation and everyone objects that they would even let their significant other go.. There is an incredible amount of stuff to do and fun to be had in Vegas without doing a single sinful thing, even if you WERE there for just a vacation and not a work trip. ), so Ive seen it a lot. Immediate marriage counseling is required and if he wont go, see a counselor yourself. And we always get gorgeous hotel rooms for ridiculously cheap. husband doesn t want to go on family vacation My husband doesn't want to go because of the 14 hour car ride. You should go to counseling, alone and together if hell go with you, because I cant tell if hes super anxious, or just super controlling. Something tells me that his unofficial polling of his friends went something like this: Husband: Oh my god, can you believe the irresponsible way in which my wifes employer is taking them on a conference to Vegas. Plan some quiet time or independent activities if you're getting frustrated. I hope some of it is helpful to you in some way. But thats a separate issue. But because a good counselor will see that there is no point and dismiss the couple. Remember, what happens in Vegas stays on YouTube forever. Even if it was a relatively nice day, the fact that there was snow on the road would just give him fits. She should go and she should make therapy a minimal condition of continuing the marriage. The views expressed in community are solely the opinions of participants, and do not reflect those of What to Expect. Today, we can take a million pictures to find the right one, but in the Groovy era you had one chance to get the perfect shot. I think if OPs husband was acting reasonably, this would be a good solution. Captain Awkward is amazing when answering questions about control, manipulation, and gaslighting.